Swimming yesterday – my arms are aching now. Good pain. I may be stronger… Autumn is coming – it’s so pleasant outside. Cloudy and chilly, I hope it’s raining later. Autumn used to be my favourite season, when I was a melancholic boy… I still like it. I have a dream. I want to travel. I want to sail. I want to climb. I want to fly. I want to tell my Mum how beautiful the world is. I want to be her window to the world.
"She’s so big hearted, But not so remarkable Just an ordinary humble girl Expecting nothing as we’re made to think It’s a pretty person’s world
But you are beautiful and you better go show it Go look again, you gotta be true to your own If you really wanna go to the top Do you really wanna win? Don’t believe in living normal, just to satisfy demand
Well, if you wanna get free And if you wanna do the passionate thing And if you wanna get smart for the sake of your heart You should own your name and stand up tall And get real and see the beauty in ugly"
I guess I’ve been not nice recently. Not apparently, nobody has heard anything impolite. But sometimes I feel that people don’t understand that I may also be tired. Or not want to talk. The fact that I smile doesn’t man that I intend to start a 3-hour-talk!! The fact that I meat strangers in the elevator and say "hello" to them doesn’t mean that we became friends! The fact that I’m online doesn’t mean that I’m willing to talk about meaningless things! Sometimes it seems that I should respect others but those others don’t respect my free time, my feelings… Some accuse me that I’m not gentle because I never start chatting first. Geez! Relax, please!
I give them a finger, they want a hand. I give them a hand, they want an arm. I give them an arm, they want the whole body. Some can’t notice the border of my intimacy. There are places where no-one can enter. I have a strong feeling of independence. When in danger, I attack.
I like playing with words. Words have a specific power. The power can stimulate others to communicate. To communicate is a natural human need. I need to talk to people. People want to spend time with me. Me and my world… My world is very unique. Unique thing is something which only I can understand and have. To have or to be – it is a question. A question should be asked by everybody. Everybody needs to feel wanted. Wanted… dead or alive. Alive is what I choose. To choose is my right. Right is not my side. My side is left. Left is what I like. I like playing with words. Words…
"You spent the evening unpacking books from boxes You passed me up so as not to break a promise Scattered polaroids and sprinkled words around your collar in the long run Said you knew that this would happen
The pounding rain continued it’s bleak fall And we decided just to write after all, after all"
[Maximo Park, Books From Boxes, Our Earthly Pleasures]
It looks like the autumn is coming. It’s still hot but the days are more cloudy and it rains more often. Finally we will be able to breathe the fresher air. Finally riding bicycle will be more pleasant.
I still work crazily. Almost everyday I come back home after 9 pm, sometimes at 10 – when I teach in Xiaoshan. I found out that I’m lack of sleep… When I go to sleep at about midnight and wake up at 6:30 or 7 – that’s definitely too short. Some students invited me for a party yesterday night. I felt so sorry but I refused. It made me feel stupid because I didn’t want to disappoint them. Anyway, deep in my heart I felt that I had to do it. Health is the most important, isn’t it?
Good news of the past week? I got money. I’m a little bit rich now!
Sometimes I feel like an idiot. Sometimes it’s difficult to say "no", fearing of anger or disappointment. Sometimes I say "no" – almost nobody expects it, noticing rather unusual behaviour. Sometimes I feel like screaming. Sometimes I’m getting tired of being useful, kind and happy. Sometimes I’m Mr. Hyde, showing dark side of Dr. Jeckyll’s personality. Sometimes I don’t want to talk, then I’m offline – or just appear offline, assuring possibility to check who’s online. Sometimes it’s raining in Hangzhou, far too seldom. Sometimes I forget an umbrella, sometimes I’m getting wet. Sometimes it’s too hot and I’m wet again. Sometimes I feel sorry about that, sometimes I don’t care about such details. Sometimes I don’t notice people, walking around with my head in the clouds. I’m tall.
feeling good 