shy

Shyness is not my weapon for girls. One of my students suggested that yesterday… and immediately I blushed.  I guess girls like shy boys, but it’s not that I decided to be shy to pick up the girls.

It’s rather my honesty because I decided not to hide my feelings and not to be afraid of my shyness. Actually, I’m not very shy, just a little bit – and that’s fine.

lies

People lie. It’s convenient. Telling the truth is boring. Being honest is not cool. There’s no need to care about others’ feelings. Selfishness. Egocentrism – my world is all what counts.

I hate this attitude.

Lies make me sick. And sleepless. I wonder how many more times I can trust.

Naive! – I still have hopes.

Disappointment and doubts. Dark thoughts no-one wants to share.

"You should be happy, why aren’t you?" – it sounds like a joke.

 

"Again"

You’re tearing me apart, crushing me inside
You used to lift me up, NOW YOU GET ME DOWN
If I was to walk away
From you my love
Could I LAUGH again?
If I walk away from you
And leave my love
Could I LAUGH again?
Again, again…

You’re killing me again, am I still in your head?
You used to light me up, NOW YOU SHUT ME DOWN
If I was to walk away
From you my love
Could I LAUGH again?
If I walk away from you
And leave my love
Could I LAUGH again ?

I’m losing you again like eating me inside
I used to lift you up, NOW I GET YOU DOWN

 

[Archive, Again, You All Look The Same To Me, 2002]

my Mum

Today is Mother’s Day in Poland. Yes, I know that the whole world celebrates it on the second Sunday of May but Poland is unique – and we have the fixed date for this special day.

My Mum is very important person. She misses me… I miss her too, I guess I miss her today more than ever. We try to talk very often but it seems that it’s not enough for her. Calvin asks me one question quite frequently: "Chris, have you talked to your Mum?" I think he cares for her too, although he has never seen her. For my Mum I will always be a little boy; and she will always worry about me. Many times it made me very angry – but I’m sure she will never change it. Now I think it’s lovely.

Today it’s been already two months since my arrival to Hangzhou. Lily told me "Chris, you have changed". And… she didn’t tell me what are those changes. Girls usually don’t tell everything.

the closest thing to crazy

How can I think I’m standing strong,
Yet feel the air beneath my feet?
How can happiness feel so wrong?
How can misery feel so sweet?
How can you let me watch you sleep,
Then break my dreams the way you do?
How can I have got in so deep?
Why did I fall in love with you?

This is the closest thing to crazy I have ever been
Feeling twenty-two, acting seventeen,
This is the nearest thing to crazy I have ever known,
I was never crazy on my own…
And now I know that there’s a link between the two,
Being close to craziness and being close to you.

How can you make me fall apart
Then break my fall with loving lies?
It’s so easy to break a heart;
It’s so easy to close your eyes.
How can you treat me like a child
Yet like a child I yearn for you?
How can anyone feel so wild?
How can anyone feel so blue?

 

[Katie Melua, The Closest Thing To Crazy, Call Off The Search, 2003]

Chinese name

I’ve had a Chinese days for a couple of days. I found a special website (http://www.mandarintools.com) where you can get your unique name. Mine is Kong Kangrui.

"Kong" is a short from my family name (well, almost), "Kang" means "healthy", "happy", "quiet" and "peaceful", and "Rui" means "sharp" or "smart". I can even write it with Chinese letters!

Ji’an

It’s been a long time since my last entry here. I’was in Jiangxi Provice, I visited Kai and Ye and their friends (Ren, Joan, Amy, Xiaofang and many more). They are all students in Jinggang Shan College in Ji’an – small Chinese city located 800 km from Hangzhou. It took over 13 hours by train to get there. The journey… was memorable, because I guess I was the only foreigner in a long train! At first people didn’t react but when I took my notebook to write something to my lesson – it started. They began to speak to me in Chinese! I told them very politely and (I guess!) clearly that I don’t understand but they just laughed!  And they kept speaking Chinese to me! Oh, I felt very embarassed, later they were standing around me and stared at me. I was just thinking "Oh, my God, what do they want from me…"  Anyway, they were not scary, I was not afraid of them, some of them even gave me cigarettes. It was a great feeling to smoke with them – at least in this way we could communicate.

I arrived Ji’an in the morning. Pretty tired, though.

Wow, Kai, Ye and the rest are so nice! My good friends – we talked and laughed and spent a great time. We went to Jinggang Shan – beautiful mountains in China, famous because of the battles and start of the revolution by Mao there. Marvellous landscapes!

I had to come back to Hangzhou on Wednesday. The return trip was not so crazy like the previous one.. although I found alive crab on the floor!! He was just wandering from one passenger to another. China!

Jiangxi

Ji’an – Jiangxi Province.

Jinggan Shan.

Great time!!

Makiya

Makiya invited me to have dinner with her on Friday. Of course I agreed! But the thing is… it started to rain so heavily! Brave Chris decided not to give up. I didn’t take any bus (which one? who knows?) and with the map of the city in my memory I wanted to find the place we supposed to meet. Yeah, yeah, after 10 minutes of walking I had totally wet shoes and socks. Only my head was dry… an umbrella is useful only for the head!

Of course I couldn’t find this place.  I called Makiya and explained where I am, this also wasn’t too easy!! Well, finally she took a taxi and went to her flat.

She prepared a fish and a chicken. Wow, wow, wow, Chinese girls cook so well!! I had to take off my wet socks and shoes, I had to change the shirt… Oh, what a rain.

Makiya gave me the whole box of daisy-tea made by her grandmother. So interesting taste! And Chinese box… smelling very nice. Thanks!

May holiday

May holiday in China means 7 free days. It is not the best news for me because many students went to their hometowns those days and I have had no classes for almost one week. I am paid for each hour so it is important to have as many hours as possible. Maybe the holiday is a reason for my recently lower mood? I am not so happy these days. That’s right, when I’m not busy I think too much.

I met a new friend! I went to the park to read a book (and to breathe with fresh air) but no way! Suddenly a Chinese lady came to me and started to talk in English. She’s already retired and started to learn Englsih. What a fantastic idea! I have to tell it to my parents. The lady (her name is Wind) told me that she wants to meet me oftener and speak English. OK! It’s also a good reason to get to know new people!

Yesterday I went to Shanghai with Oliver. Oh, what a city! So huge! God, how many people! When we got out from the railway station I felt twisted in my head. The real river of people! Luckily later it was much calmer because Oliver had to visit his factory in Shanghai’s suburbs. It was very nice! I’ve seen taxi-motorcycles – for the first time! I even had a will to try it but Oliver said it’s dangerous and illegal.

Anyway, Shanghai is not as friendly city as Hangzhou. I’ve liked Hangzhou since the very start, Shanghai is strange to me. And indeed, its size can overwhelm. I was so relaxed after come back to Hanzghou! Yeah, this is my city.

nine million

I got the first money earned in China. Oh, it’s so pleasant feeling that my work is rewarded! Experience gained during this month is so valuable.

Sometimes my students flatter me. They even said that they thought I come from USA, because they don’t hear I am not native English speaker. What a compliment! It is so worthy to be here and to live through all this.

I’m going to Shanghai with Oliver soon. He is going in business trip and I will accopany him. I’ve been to Shanghai only once (I landed in Shanghai) but I was too tired after the flight to see anything. I’m so excited about many things! Even for a trip by train! Everything is so new and worth seeing! Sometimes I feel like a kid who doesn’t know anything about life. In fact, I’m still a kid, although 24-year old… I think I will never give up my spontaniousness and excitement of life. Being natural is crucial. Kids are natural.

I bought a bike! Here in China bike should look as bad as possible, it prevents the stealing. So my bike looks quite bad.  But it doesn’t matter, the thing is to ride! And riding bike in China is so memorable.

… and I’m singing "The are nine million bicycles in Beijing, that’s a fact, it’s a thing we can’t deny; like the fact that I will love you till I die". [It’s Katie Melua’s "Nine Million Bicycles", great song.]